Zycantival Grand Prix 5

Zycantival Grand Prix 5, also known as The Queue is the fifth edition of the Zycantival Grand Prix, the national selection event to determine the Zycantian representative in the Maia Song Contest. It was hosted in Poliana on 14 November 2016, in the Shaniqua Diva Fantasy Arena. The winner will represent Zycantia in the Maia Song Contest 5. The competition follows a completely different format to previous editions.

Format Change
Shaniqua "Shaniqua Diva" Stevic announced a format change immediately after the results of the Maia Song Contest 4 were announced. Disappointed with another second place finish, Shaniqua Diva announced that "I will fucking choose the entry myself since all these fucking idiots want us to come second every time".

The format would be a television show streamed live on PornHub, following an agreement made with its owner Miranda Cosgrove, who is on amicable terms with Shaniqua Diva, whose videos are always among the most watched on the website. The show, known as The Queue will feature a constant stream of hopefuls performing to earn the right to represent Zycantia at the Maia Song Contest 5, with no breaks or intermissions. Shaniqua Diva told reporters that she would be "peeing in a bottle under the desk to save time" and "to keep viewing figures at a constant level".

The contest is open to anybody, including non-Zycantian residents, with contestants given 24 hours to fill a 20-page 6-hour long application. After this period, random.org assigned a number from 1 to 6,786,724 to the 6,786,724 confirmed participants, who were then asked to form The Queue in order, starting at the Shaniqua Diva Fantasy Arena in Poliana and leading around the beaches of Viridia to circle the entire island. The participants would then perform in order, one by one, with the show continuing until Shaniqua Diva decided that one of the participants was worthy of representing Zycantia, meaning that the competition could end abruptly with no notice.

Shaniqua Diva confirmed, "I am looking for a song to represent Zycantian culture in the best manner possible. I know these flops will make us come second regardless what we send, so I want to showcase everything our beautiful country has to offer." Shaniqua Diva also confirmed that recap episodes of The Queue would air three times a day on the Zycantian Broadcasting Corporation (ZBC) and the Shaniqua Diva Fantasy Network (SDFN) until a winner was chosen.

Natasha Bogdanova
After random.org determined the order of the queue, Natasha Bogdanova was chosen to perform first. She auditioned with her song "Hello", which had previously competed at the Zycantival Grand Prix 1. Shaniqua Diva stated that the song was "awful" and told Natasha Bogdanova that she should have applied for a position at Shaniqua's XXX Fantasy Parlour instead, because she likely had no skills besides sucking dick. A furious Bogdanova told reporters that Shaniqua Diva is a "disgusting animal" on her way out of the arena. Shaniqua Diva confirmed this, stating that she could be a real animal in bed if you wanted her to be.

Stefjan Kaysic ft. Flaka Krelani
The second act to audition was duo Stefjan Kaysic and Flaka Krelani, performing their new single "Blowjob Lips". The duo were dressed in white bodysuits covered in thousands of red lips, with the bodysuits eventually stripped off by the backing dancers to reveal Kaysic wearing a red latex outfit and Krelani wearing a red leotard. The duo formed a gigantic pair of lips on the ground by lying down on top of each other in the final thirty seconds of their performance.

Shaniqua Diva told them that "your desperation is admirable" and "this song and performance are a great representation of Zycantian culture" but chose not to select them because dildo sales had been unimpressive in Kaysic's home country of Arkaystia. The announcement saw over ten thousand dildos purchased by Arkaystian residents in the next thirty seconds, causing the Arkaystian servers of the Shaniqua's XXX Fantasy Parlour website to crash. Shaniqua Diva did not change her mind but offered Kaysic and Krelani executive positions at Shaniqua's XXX Fantasy Parlour, stating that "it would be very good for business to have two great pairs of blowjob lips on board".

Zac Martavic
The act scheduled to perform third was Zac Martavic with his song "Stop Lazyitis". Unfortunately, Martavic was not present for the performance, with Shaniqua Diva asking staff, "Where is this fucking idiot at?" Martavic arrived just before Shaniqua Diva was about to call the fourth person in the queue, claiming that he had "overslept and couldn't be fucked getting out of bed". Martavic performed "Stop Lazyitis", a song aiming to raise awareness of the lazyitis disease crippling parts of Maia, most notably Zvorrhybnnia. Shaniqua Diva told him to "get a life" and "I'm not a fucking charity", adding, "Nobody cares about you or the numerous diseases you obviously have. What's next, going to sing about erectile dysfunction or some other pointless shit?" Martavic denied this, revealing that he does not have any other diseases. A disbelieving Shaniqua Diva told him to "get the fuck out".

Lady Gaga
The fourth person in the queue was Lady Gaga, the Fronezench representative at the Maia Song Contest 4. She auditioned with her song "Bad Romance", featuring several shirtless men. Shaniqua Diva was clearly impressed, telling Lady Gaga that her song was "the best thing ever" and "a great representation of Zycantian culture". Unfortunately, Shaniqua Diva opted not to select her as she believed the song would be "too good for the Maia Song Contest" and "the jealous sluts will ban us from sending such glam songs because they don't want us to win". Disappointed, Lady Gaga revealed that she had a place later in the queue with a less famous song.

Kandace Sydney ft. Taylor Swift
Fifth in the queue were Kandace Sydney and Taylor Swift, performing their song "Welcome to Mischen". The performance included several flags of Mischen being hoisted and the performers wearing the country's double infinity symbol on their clothing. Shaniqua Diva stated that their performance "was pure art" and wanted to select them as the Zycantian representative but believed the song violated the official rules as it was too political. Shaniqua Diva vowed her continued support of Mischen's campaign to acquire MBU membership and enter the contest but declined their bid to represent Zycantia.

Trish Hegarty
The sixth person in the queue was Trish Hegarty. She performed her smash hit "Trish Hegarty Cackling for Three Minutes". Shaniqua Diva was visibly moved by the performance, stating that the song had "taken her places" and "I orgasmed a few times". Hegarty was flattered and cackled her appreciation. Shaniqua Diva stated that Hegarty was her favourite performance so far and she would keep her on the shortlist to represent Zycantia but she wanted to hear a few more songs before making up her mind. Hegarty was asked to wait backstage in the Possible Options area, where she was treated to an unlimited supply of pizza and told reporters that she would be eating her body weight in pizza while she waited.

Charlotte Fiercebitch
Seventh to perform was Charlotte Fiercebitch, with her new song "My Mother Is Drunk Again". Shaniqua Diva said she had "high respect" for Fiercebitch's candor and openness. However, Shaniqua Diva told Fiercebitch that "the Maia Song Contest is not the place to discuss your mummy issues" and offered to pay for Fiercebitch's first therapy session with her therapist Chanel Oberlin at the C.U.R.E. Institute Hospital in Aaltopolis. Charlotte Fiercebitch's mother Marta Fiercebitch was unavailable for comment following her daughter's performance but is rumoured to be in the queue somewhere.

Miley Cyrus
The eighth person in the queue was Mystinctlor singer Miley Cyrus, performing her smash hit "Wrecking Ball". Shaniqua Diva enjoyed the performance and twerked on her desk in appreciation during the performance. After Cyrus had finished slaying, Shaniqua Diva told her that she would have definitely sent Cyrus to the Maia Song Contest but Cyrus was "not slutty enough" and was "wearing too many clothes", which was "a poor representation of Zycantian culture". Disappointed, Cyrus told reporters that she would perform naked next time but her next performance in the queue would be the 6,786,723rd of 6,786,724 auditions.

Abi-Maria Gomes
The ninth performer was Abi-Maria Gomes, performing her song "Abi's Atomic Anal Apparatuses (Best Dildos in Maia)". Shaniqua Diva decided to go order lunch during the performance, in which Abi-Maria wore plenty of promotional material for her line of dildos - Abi's Atomic Anal Apparatuses (AAAA). Shaniqua Diva returned by the end of the performance, telling Gomes that she was "a talentless whore" and she would "go to the Maia Song Contest over my hot dead body". Abi-Maria did not seem disappointed, telling reporters that her audition was about promotion of her new products and "to piss Shaniqua off". Sales of AAAA skyrocketed following the performance.

Karmin
Arkaystian duo Karmin were tenth to audition with their song "Acapella". Shaniqua Diva told them that "this is the best song I have ever heard in my life" and that the duo were "exceptionally talented". Karmin were hopeful about their chances but Shaniqua Diva told them that "I am still waiting for your home country or literally any other country besides Zycantia to send this song because I want to hack the Zycantian televotes and give you twelve points". Flattered but disappointed, Karmin told reporters that they would ask Shaniqua Diva to pass on her demands to the head of the Arkaystian delegation.

Ming Kandovic
Eleventh in the queue was Ming Kandovic, performing her song "Now I Know My ABC". Ming Kandovic incorrectly recited the English alphabet throughout her performance, leading to Shaniqua Diva telling her that she is "mentally retarded" and "should get some fucking help immediately". Highly offended, Ming Kandovic responded to Shaniqua Diva but Shaniqua Diva and 100% of viewers watching the live PornHub stream were unable to comprehend her response. Ming Kandovic stormed out but rejoined the queue a short distance back, hopeful that her second attempt would be more fruitful.

Disbitch Whatsernam
The twelfth audition featured Disbitch Whatsernam, the Darkwood politician. Whatsernam auditioned with her song "Vote in A Song for Darkwood 2", promoting international voting for the Gloom national final, A Song for Darkwood 2. Shaniqua Diva was thoroughly unimpressed by the performance, telling Whatsernam that "I am the only one allowed to use this farce of a national final to promote other products". Whatsernam responded by asking Shaniqua Diva to vote in A Song for Darkwood 2. Shaniqua Diva stated that she would vote "as soon as someone in this fucking queue has some talent to send to the Maia Song Contest for Zycantia". Whatsernam was pleased with the outcome and told reporters that they should tune in to the live broadcast of A Song for Darkwood 2.

Broods
The thirteenth audition featured Broods, the duo who represented Zycantia at the Maia Song Contest 3 with their song "Free". They returned with a performance of their song "Heartlines". Shaniqua Diva was blown away by the performance, telling the duo that she "orgasmed while listening to your music as I always do". The duo were thrilled and Shaniqua Diva asked them to join Trish Hegarty and wait in the Possible Options area. Singer Georgia Nott was thrilled and told reporters that she was looking forward to a return to the Maia Song Contest, while her brother Caleb pointed out that there seemed to be no pizza in the Possible Options area, as had been promised to them. A woman could be heard cackling maniacally in the background.

Marta Fiercebitch
The fourteenth audition involved Marta Fiercebitch, performing her hit song "Don't Pissed Me Off (Hieroshima)". Shaniqua Diva raised her eyebrows as Fiercebitch sang the controversial lyrics "don't pissed me off or I will do Hieroshima on you face". Shaniqua Diva was full of praise for Fiercebitch's performance, saying that "you have the right attitude for the future of Zycantia" but was unwilling to send her to the Maia Song Contest because "you clearly have anger management issues and you need help like urgently". Marta Fiercebitch asked Shaniqua Diva to pay for her therapy and Shaniqua Diva wrote her a cheque for ZYC$1,000,000 and provided contact details for her own therapist Chanel Oberlin. Marta Fiercebitch was spotted pushing a gigantic wheelbarrow filled with several hundred bottles of vodka up the driveway of her Poliana holiday home an hour later.

Luxy Tolvai
The fifteenth audition featured Zycantian social media mogul Luxy Tolvai performing her new hit "Glammer Than You". Joined by a number of backing singers dressed in pink peacock chic, Luxy wore a pink tutu and strutted down the stage to the iconic lyrics, "Don't touch me, I'm glammer than you. Don't look at me, I'm glammer than you. Don't test me, I'm glammer than you. Don't fuck me, I'm glammer than you." Shaniqua Diva stated that "this was the best performance of the day so far" and that "Luxy has blown me away as usual". Unfortunately, Shaniqua Diva told Luxy Tolvai that she could not represent Zycantia in the Maia Song Contest as the MBU had an anti-canine policy that was "medieval and racist". Nonetheless, Luxy Tolvai's performance went viral in Zycantia and Klapaucius within minutes, with Klapaucian dog Cody tweeting his approval. Luxy Tolvai's huge social media following doubled overnight.

Reni Tolvai
Sixteenth to audition was Luxy Tolvai's owner Reni Tolvai, singing her song "Fire". The performance featured firefighter strippers dancing with Reni. Shaniqua Diva was very impressed by the performance, telling Reni Tolvai that she is "obviously talented" and "extremely slutty", which are "two things Zycantia needs in its representative". Reni was pleased by Shaniqua Diva's comments but Shaniqua Diva informed her that she would not be going to the Maia Song Contest because Shaniqua Diva felt that Luxy Tolvai might be jealous if Reni Tolvai went without her. Reni Tolvai was understanding and didn't want to hurt Luxy's feelings, settling for a consolation prize - an assorted set of Shaniqua Diva XXL Comfort Dildos in all eighteen currently available colours.

Bebe Rexha
The seventeenth audition was Fronezench singer Bebe Rexha with a power ballad entitled "Seventeen". The song told Rexha's story of depression at finishing seventeenth in the Maia Song Contest 3, the worst result in Fronezenchya's history, after Madeline Juno and Lady Gaga both finished sixteenth. Shaniqua Diva was moved by the performance, informing Bebe Rexha that she was "obviously robbed" and telling viewers on the live PornHub stream that they are "idiots" if they didn't vote for Rexha. However, Shaniqua Diva told Rexha that Zycantia is not interested in finishing seventeenth and had to finish second again, asking her to submit the song to the Fronezench broadcaster. Disappointed, Rexha told reporters that she would try to represent Fronezenchya again, hoping to finish better than seventeenth.

Mrozikowska
Eighteenth to audition was Mischenite surgeon Mrozikowska, performing a self-penned song called "Your Heart Belongs To Me". The performance featured Mrozikowska performing a live open-heart surgery while simultaneously singing the disturbing lyrics, "Your heart belongs to me. I will cut it and take it for free. Bitch please, don't think you can flee. Your heart belongs to me." Shaniqua Diva was disturbed by the performance, telling Mrozikowska that she is "obviously a serial killer" and asked her assistant to call the Poliana Police. The policeman strippers from the Poliana Police Station came and escorted Mrozikowska away, but not before Mrozikowska allegedly released an airborne toxin that would "kill all of Maia". Shaniqua Diva did not care, revealing that "if everyone in Maia dies, I'll just be the hottest and the richest person in Maia for all of eternity". Mrozikowska was released from policeman stripper custody, after providing evidence that the man she was performing heart surgery on actually needed heart surgery. She was later seen returning to the queue, preparing for a duet.

Oscar Zia
Oscar Zia was nineteenth in the queue, performing his Zycantival Grand Prix 1 and Zycantival Grand Prix 2 entry "Human". Shaniqua Diva enjoyed the performance, telling Oscar Zia that he is "about as talented on stage as you are in bed". However, Shaniqua Diva was unwilling to send Zia to the Maia Song Contest, revealing that "Human" would "obviously come third" and "Zycantia needs to come second". Oscar Zia was disappointed and asked Shaniqua Diva to reconsider, believing that he could win the Maia Song Contest. Shaniqua Diva refused to change her mind, revealing that "just because Aanto Aalto desperately wants to fuck you doesn't mean that everybody else does". Confused as to what this meant with regards to his song, Zia told reporters that he would try to represent Zycantia again in the future. He and Aalto were later spotted on a nudist beach in Poliana, through which a section of the queue passed.

Mildred Kaysic
The twentieth person in the queue was Mildred Kaysic, performing a song called "Clean Your Bedroom". The song was about Kaysic encouraging today's youth to clean and maintain their bedrooms and to keep everything nice and tidy. Shaniqua Diva was impressed, expressing her admiration at "the way you seemed to be singing and screaming at some random child at the same time". Mildred Kaysic was clearly pleased, expressing her gratitude by giving Shaniqua Diva a homemade apple pie. Shaniqua Diva was grateful but revealed that Kaysic would not be going to the Maia Song Contest as "nobody bribes people with meaningless gifts better than I do". Nonetheless, Shaniqua Diva offered Mildred Kaysic a business deal to produce and sell her apple pies on a global scale, telling her that her apple pie was "extraordinary" and "literally better than sex". Mildred Kaysic accepted and revealed that Mildred's Motherly Pies would be available in supermarkets across Maia by the end of the month.

Anthony Pakora
Twenty-first in the queue was Anthony Pakora, performing his song called "Zac Stay Away, I'm Not Gay". The song is alleged to be a message to Zac Martavic, Pakora's alleged love interest, telling him that he is not interested. Shaniqua Diva told Pakora that "you have the right look" and "all the gays would obviously vote for that ass if I sent you" but chose not to send Pakora to the Maia Song Contest because "nobody wants to hear about that stupid bitch Zac, let's be fucking real". Pakora was disappointed, removing his shirt in an attempt to persuade Shaniqua Diva to choose him. Shaniqua Diva stated that "despite your body being literally perfect, I will not change my mind". However, Shaniqua Diva offered to have her legal team arrange a restraining order against Zac Martavic for Pakora. Pakora thanked Shaniqua Diva and revealed to reporters that he would have to think about the restraining order. Paparazzi later photographed Pakora grabbing Zac Martavic's ass on his way back to another spot in the queue. Pakora tweeted that this was "obviously photoshopped".

Ellie Goulding
The twenty-second person in the queue was Ellie Goulding, performing her hit song "Army". Shaniqua Diva was not moved by the emotional ballad, revealing that "a song called "Army" should be about one of any number of potential soldier role-playing pornographic scenarios, of which I have taken part in several hundred, not whatever the fuck you're singing about". Ellie Goulding changed the song and began to sing "Lost and Found", her Zycantival Grand Prix 1. Shaniqua Diva was much more impressed by this song, revealing that "it is highly glam and I would be thrilled to send it to the Maia Song Contest". Shaniqua Diva began filling out the paperwork to enter Goulding and her song "Lost and Found", before discovering that Goulding had citizenship of three countries - Zycantia, Temekylopia and Fronezenchya and had even participated in a Kashykian national final. Shaniqua Diva told Goulding that this was "problematic" and "I can't be fucked doing the extra paperwork for all your stupid fucking nationalities". Disappointed, Goulding told reporters that she still considers herself a winner and would try to represent Zycantia or one of her other countries again in the future.

Thomas Peaches
The twenty-third audition was Thomas Peaches, the biological son of Georgianna Peaches and adoptive brother of Shaniqua Diva. Thomas performed his song "Str8er Than You", along with four backing dancers who wore "S", "T", "R" and "8" on their shirts. Shaniqua Diva was not impressed by her brother's performance, telling him that "only gay people say str8" and "you should go come out to dear Georgianna in her time out". Thomas was unimpressed, bragging that he was "still mother's favourite" and claimed that he was "fucking three girls called Annie, Juliette and Sam right now". Shaniqua Diva told Thomas that he was "a fucking liar" and he "should go back to fucking Andy, Julian and Sam right now". Furious, Thomas said that he would upload sex tapes fucking all three girls onto PornHub to prove his straightness. Shaniqua Diva responded by pointing out that she had gone through his browsing history and "found the videos of old pervy professors fucking young twinks" in his PornHub search history. Thomas claimed that he accidentally clicked the link after receiving it from a gay friend. Shaniqua Diva smized victoriously as Thomas Peaches left the arena, begging reporters to believe his side of the story.

Charla Baklayan Faddoul ft. Mirna Hindoyan
The twenty-fourth audition was a duet by Zycantian cousins Charla Baklayan Faddoul and Mirna Hindoyan. The duet was called "Charla & Mirna's Greatest Moments" and was coupled with the release of an expensive hour-long music video on YouTube. Shaniqua Diva informed the cousins that they were "obviously robbed" on The Amazing Race and "it was obviously rigged against you" but also informed them that "your hour-long song is absolutely enchanting but too long as per the official rules". The cousins met hundreds of eager fans as they made their way out of the stadium and returned to mainland Zycantia.

Zachary Busch
The twenty-fifth audition featured Zachary Busch, the most popular black underwear model in Zycantia. He performed his song "Sex, Boobs and Drugs", supported with backing vocals provided by every contestant on every ZBC Company reality show to ever air. Shaniqua Diva said that "the song is a literal masterpiece" but was unimpressed by Busch, telling him that "you are fucking retarded and nobody cares about any of the fucking people you brought here with you". Busch was obviously disappointed, asking all reporters to leave a comment on the forums of upcoming episodes of all ZBC Company reality shows, while Shaniqua Diva shook her head appallingly, telling viewers that "he almost brought more backing vocalists than the number of people I've slept with in the last week".

Vera Gomes
Auditioning twenty-sixth was Vera Gomes, the former Vice President of Zycantia, with her Portuguese song "Eu Sou Glam". Shaniqua Diva was impressed by the performance and told Vera that she was undoubtedly very glam. However, Shaniqua Diva did not want to send Vera Gomes to the Maia Song Contest as she was "the mother of that satanic bitch" and Shaniqua Diva felt that this would be "a poor representation of Zycantian culture". Shaniqua Diva states that she would send Gomes to the Maia Song Contest if she disowned her daughter permanently but Gomes was unwilling to do so, ending the audition and telling reporters that she loved her daughter too much.

Stefjan Kaysic ft. Betty
The first participant to audition for a second time was Stefjan Kaysic, auditioning twenty-seventh in a duet with Betty. They performed a song called "People of the Bun", a song about always having fun while eating hamburgers, sausages and a number of other bun-related foods. Kaysic was dressed as a gigantic sausage while Betty was dressed as a bottle of ketchup and ended her performance by spraying ketchup on Kaysic. Shaniqua Diva was impressed by Betty's performance, offering to adopt her and train her to take over Shaniqua's XXX Fantasy Parlour in the future. On the other hand, she told Kaysic that his performance was "pathetic" and he "should go choke on a sausage instead of singing about one". Kaysic was offended by the comments, telling reporters that he is not gay and only likes to put one type of sausage in his mouth. Kaysic revealed that he had another position in the queue very soon and was confident that he would finally impress Shaniqua Diva on his third attempt.

Adelén
Twenty-eighth in the queue was Adelén, the girlfriend of Shaniqua Diva, auditioning with her song "Bombo". Shaniqua Diva was clearly impressed by the performance, grabbing a cameraman by the collar and dancing with him while Adelén performed. After the conclusion of the performance, Shaniqua Diva told Adelén that she is "supremely talented, both on stage and in bed" but told her that she could not represent Zycantia at the Maia Song Contest because Shaniqua Diva thought that "it would be unfair for me to send someone I am sleeping with because people will accuse you of fucking your way to the Maia Song Contest". Adelén pointed out that the duo have an open relationship and Shaniqua Diva had slept with almost all of the contestants in the queue. Shaniqua Diva admitted that this was true but did not change her mind, offering to "make up for it tonight" with a cheeky wink.

David Meow
David Meow was twenty-ninth in the queue, performing his song "Guns". The song featured Meow flexing multiple times, showing off his biceps, while his backing dancers carried a number of guns and shot blank rounds in the arena. The performance continued with Meow removing his shirt and continuing to flex his biceps in a tank top. In the final minute, Meow removed his tank top and continued flexing. Shaniqua Diva asked him if he was going to actually sing anything or if he was applying for a job at Shaniqua's XXX Fantasy Parlour. Meow revealed that he hoped to perform this song on the stage of the Maia Song Contest. Shaniqua Diva revealed that "I'm pretty sure a hot dude flexing to elevator music is against the rules" and told Meow to "put a shirt on and get the fuck out" and handing him a room key to her penthouse suite at the elite Shaniqua Diva XXX Hotel in Poliana. Outside, Meow told reporters that he would continue to work on his guns and audition again next time. Nearby in the queue, Thomas Peaches stated that Meow "has very nice guns", while Zac Martavic explained that "his father has a great gun collection". Peaches noted that he "wasn't talking about those guns", to which Martavic replied, "Oh."

Simbol
The thirtieth contestants in the queue were Arkay-Zycant band and cult figures Simbol, performing their song "Artiste", which had spent so many weeks atop the charts in Arkaystia and Zycantia that it was no longer allowed to chart to "give other songs a chance". Shaniqua Diva was thoroughly mesmerised by the performance, revealing that "this is the best song I have ever heard" and "I would love to play this in the background of my next porn movie". However, Shaniqua Diva did not want to send Simbol to the Maia Song Contest for two reasons. "Firstly, there are like eighteen of you and I would rather save money by sending like one or two people only so that I can use the money to promote my dildos or buy another island or something. Secondly, you would obviously win with a 250-point margin and that would be boring to watch and we need to try to come second again." Simbol were disappointed but were met by a crowd of 30,000 fans as they exited the arena. Shaniqua Diva watched the scene unfold from inside the arena, commenting, "Wow there are a lot of thirsty daddy-loving twinks in Maia".

Bojana Stamenov
Bojana Stamenov was thirty-first in the queue, auditioning with her song "Beauty Never Lies". Shaniqua Diva enjoyed her "impressive vocal range" and "exquisite fashion sense" and thought the song was "entirely dazzling". Stamenov was about to receive the ticket to represent Zycantia when Shaniqua Diva asked what the song was about. Stamenov responded by explaining that the song was about promoting equality and being comfortable in one's own skin. Shaniqua Diva was disappointed, revealing that she "thought the song was about me". Stamenov apologised and told Shaniqua Diva that she is also very beautiful. Shaniqua Diva was not pleased, stating that "this song would've been a better representation of Zycantian culture if it was about my beauty, not some self-empowerment bullshit". Disappointed, Stamenov told reporters that she was pleased with her performance and "would continue spreading her important message". Shaniqua Diva revealed that she was very disappointed because "this could've been the one, but then she said the song wasn't about me and I'm like fuck off".

Mahan Moin
The thirty-second participant was Mahan Moin, performing her song "Asemoon". Moin started by thanking Shaniqua Diva for her twelve points in the Maia Song Contest 4 when she represented Loafousia, with Shaniqua Diva informing Moin that "it was obviously the best song". Moin performed "Asemoon" and Shaniqua Diva was interested, revealing that the song is "equally good" and that Moin is "clearly the most talented person in this queue since all the others have literally zero singing experience". Shaniqua Diva regretfully informed Moin that she would not be representing Zycantia at the Maia Song Contest, asking her to submit the song to a different country as Shaniqua Diva looked forward to "rigging more points to you in the future".

Zac Martavic ft. Marta Fiercebitch
Zac Martavic and Marta Fiercebitch had the thirty-third spot in the queue, performing their heartfelt ballad "Come Together". The song was allegedly about enemies coming together and becoming best friends. Three seconds into the performance, Fiercebitch threw a spanner at the guitarist's head for "playing too slow" and knocking him out, before yelling at Martavic and telling him that he was "already singing out of key". Fiercebitch ripped a steel chair from the arena with her bare hands and threw it at Martavic, narrowly missing. Shaniqua Diva called security, asking them to "escort these mentally disturbed people from the arena". Martavic and Fiercebitch continued bickering as security removed them from the arena through separate exits. Zac Martavic told reporters that he "would not be intimidated" and "will act tough so that people like her don't mock me". Fiercebitch told reporters that she would "remove his balls with a scalpel and feed them to a dalmatian". Shaniqua Diva told reporters that the duo are "idiots" and that they "should go on the Doctor Shaniqua show, airing daily at noon, in which Shaniqua Diva will mediate arguments".

Peter Linke
The thirty-fourth contestant was Peter Linke, performing his song "Vanilla". The song was about the promotion of vanilla sex and featured several couples having sex in the background. Shaniqua Diva said that the performance was "thoroughly enchanting" and "likely to be one of the top ten viewed non-Shaniqua Diva videos on PornHub this month". However, Shaniqua Diva believed that "the Zycantian entry should promote different fetishes and forms of sex as well, seeing as this song promotes a very narrow aspect of Zycantian culture". Peter Linke was offered a position as Manager of Vanilla Sex Services at Shaniqua's XXX Fantasy Parlour, which he immediately accepted.

Alecia Holden
The Fronezench leader Alecia Holden auditioned thirty-fifth with her song "Mental Giant". Shaniqua Diva believed that Holden's vocals were "flawless" but the song was "clearly delusional", Holden "was not a mental giant but a mental nutcase" and that "Holden would likely be the fourth boot in the Maia Song Contest since I am also a mental giant and have psychic powers". Holden was disappointed by the feedback, believing that she would "definitely slay the merge since I am automatically qualifying to the merge this time". Shaniqua Diva asked Holden to "stop pretending you know how the fuck to play the Maia Song Contest" and boasted about how she "once used a Hidden Immunity Idol to vote Vera Gomes out of the Zycantian Parliament in an epic blindside". Confused whether she was auditioning for a spot on Survivor: Fronezenchya Island or the Maia Song Contest, Holden left the arena before she could ask, due to an urgent call from her staff in the Fronezench government.

Shelby Stockton ft. Morgan Willett
The thirty-sixth entry was Zycantian-Mischenite lawyer Shelby Stockton, performing her original song "Hypocridiots". In the song, Stockton called out almost every country in Maia for "being hypocridiots". During the last minute of the performance, her publicist Morgan Willett appeared onstage, promoting the entry of Mischen into the Maia Song Contest. Shaniqua Diva placed an urgent phonecall to Jaclyn Schultz, asking "how many glam Mischen propaganda songs have you entered into this national final". Schultz's response could not be heard over the official PornHub stream but Shaniqua Diva informed Stockton and Willett that the song "would be deemed too political as per the official rules". The duo left, but not before Willett informed Shaniqua Diva that she "will host a celebratory dinner when Mischen enters and beats Shaniqua Diva and all the other ghetto MBU countries" and stormed off the stage. The duo were later offered jobs as Shaniqua Diva's new personal lawyer and publicist and both accepted their positions.

Jigglypuff
The thirty-seventh entry was famous Arkaystian Pokemon Jigglypuff, perfoming her international hit "The Jigglypuff Song". The performance of "The Jigglypuff Song" made everybody on the island of Viridia fall asleep, including all The Queue participants. Shaniqua Diva was the only person who did not fall asleep, revealing that she "never sleeps" and received a medical procedure to enable her to function without sleeping because "time is money". All viewers of the live PornHub stream also fell asleep, resulting in medical emergencies across Maia. Shaniqua Diva informed Jigglypuff that "this song is clearly too incredible for humans to process" and that "it is a bad idea to make all of our voters fall asleep since they're probably all idiots anyway". Shaniqua Diva offered to pay Jigglypuff handsomely if it agreed to sit and sing in the home of Abi-Maria Gomes nonstop. Jigglypuff is understood to be considering the offer.

Demi Lovato
Demi Lovato was thirty-eighth to perform with her song "Confident". The performance was very successful, with Shaniqua Diva removing her bra and shaking her boobs to the beat of the song. Following the conclusion of the performance, Shaniqua Diva told Lovato that she is "the most talented person in this hellhole of a country" and that the song "was simply incredible". Unfortunately, Shaniqua Diva believed that "it would be a bad choice to send this to the Maia Song Contest because I don't want you to empower people to be more confident". Shaniqua Diva explained that she made "lots of money preying on the lack of self-confidence of sex toy customers and sex service seekers". Disappointed, Lovato left the arena, telling reporters that she "would definitely convince Shaniqua Diva to let me represent Zycantia one day".

Andrea Boehlke
Andrea Boehlke was thirty-ninth to perform with her song "Queenly Majesty". The song was allegedly about how glam Andrea is and was reportedly written by the reigning Glamazon of Zycantia, Aanto Aalto. Shaniqua Diva was not impressed by the performance, revealing that "I am the only person in this country who is allowed to be so narcissistic". Boehlke pointed out that she did not write or compose the song herself and had no part in the song's creative direction. Shaniqua Diva told Boehlke to "get the fuck off stage", before receiving a phone call from Aalto, who offered to pass laws to give Shaniqua Diva complete control of the Zycantian Parliament if she sent Boehlke to the Maia Song Contest. Intrigued by the offer, Shaniqua Diva considered it carefully before declining, stating that "I already have complete control of the Zycantian Parliament since everybody is too fucking afraid of me to oppose me".

Stefjan Kaysic ft. Svetlana Loboda
Stefjan Kaysic was fortieth to audition, making his third attempt alongside Zycantian deity Svetlana Loboda. The duo performed their song "Be My Sex Toy (Anti-Crisis Whore)". The performance involved Loboda tying Kaysic up and dominating him with a number of kinky sex toys. Kaysic managed to sing his part of the song - repeating the line "I'll be your sex toy" 63 times - despite Loboda placing a gag in his mouth throughout the majority of the song. Shaniqua Diva believed that "the entire performance was disturbing" and stated that "I would rather have sex with my own dead corpse than either of you". Despite this, Shaniqua Diva admitted that the lyrics were catchy and the theme of the song represented Zycantian culture perfectly. However, she opted not to send the duo to the Maia Song Contest as she "was concerned about the growing support for Lobodism in this country and people should not be given any extra reasons to worship your leathery face instead of my perfectly-toned abs".

Lea Michele
Auditioning forty-first was Lea Michele, performing her song "Cannonball". The performance featured several cannons shooting cannonballs into the arena, causing Shaniqua Diva to hide under her desk. Shaniqua Diva believed that the song was "absolutely exceptional" but believed that the staging was "more dangerous than a really kinky porn video in which I practically torture a sub". Michele informed Shaniqua Diva that the staging could be changed ahead of the Maia Song Contest but Shaniqua Diva did not want to send Michele to the contest as she "recently saw a documentary proving that you are mentally unhinged". Unsure what documentary Shaniqua Diva was referring to, Michele left the arena disappointed but hopeful of representing Zycantia in the future.

Wanda Shirk
The forty-second performer was English teacher Wanda Shirk, performing "The Survivor Song". Shaniqua Diva had a bizarre expression on her face as Wanda Shirk performed the song acapella with a lot of energy. Upon completion of the performance, Shaniqua Diva informed Shirk that she was "clearly fucked in the head" and that the song was "likely to get zero points in the Maia Song Contest unless Arkaystia has a big enough boner for you". Wanda Shirk informed Shaniqua Diva that she would write a song about the trials and tribulations of auditioning for the Maia Song Contest. Shaniqua Diva informed Shirk that she would "most definitely not listen to it" and "would mark it as spam if you ever emailed it to me". Shirk later released the song on YouTube and received two views. Fellow contestant Stefjan Kaysic and the reigning Glamazon of Zycantia Aanto Aalto are alleged to be the two viewers.

Carrie Underwood
Forty-third in the queue was Carrie Underwood, performing her hit song "Little Toy Guns". Shaniqua Diva was interested in the performance, telling Underwood that "nobody can sing better than you". Underwood was pleased but Shaniqua Diva was unable to send her to the Maia Song Contest because she believed that the MBU police would deem Underwood "too mainstream". Shaniqua Diva offered Underwood a consolation prize, offering to make little toy gun-shaped dildos and split the profits. Underwood was keen to accept and is believed to be using the profits to write "glam songs that are not too good for the Maia Song Contest".

Tove Lo
The forty-fourth participant was Tove Lo, performing her song "Cool Girl". Shaniqua Diva did not appear to be impressed, choosing to pleasure herself with a Shaniqua Diva XXL Comfort Dildo in Creampie Cerulean instead. Once Lo had finished singing, Shaniqua Diva revealed that "I am the only cool girl in this country, what the fuck are you on about". Lo replied, "I'm a cool girl, I'm a I'm a cool girl." Shaniqua Diva told her to "stop being delusional" and asked her to leave the arena. Tove Lo was given the dildo that Shaniqua Diva had been using as her consolation prize, with Shaniqua Diva recommending the dildo be thoroughly washed before usage.

Xhesika Ndoj ft. Kallashi
The forty-fifth entry was duo Xhesika Ndoj and Kallashi, performing their original song "Shoqe Bitch". Shaniqua Diva's ass was bouncing in her seat throughout the performance as Ndoj and Kallashi performed the song. Upon completion of their performance, Shaniqua Diva revealed that the song was "an absolutely perfect representation of Zycantian culture" and applauded the duo's performance with a standing ovation. Shaniqua Diva offered them a complete set of Shaniqua Diva XXL Comfort Dildos, a cheque for ZYC$1,000,000 and the right to represent Zycantia at the Maia Song Contest. The duo immediately accepted, thrilled to be representing their country. Ndoj told reporters that she would "enlarge my boobs further before I need to perform", while Kallashi was photographed Googling lip botox treatments, hoping to enlarge her blowjob lips before the Maia Song Contest 5 took place.

The Magic Hole Altercation
The queue went all around the island of Viridia, including going straight through The Magic Hole, a donut shop by day and glory hole maze by night. The people in the queue at The Magic Hole included Bojana Stamenov, Aanto Aalto and Stefjan Kaysic, with the latter joining the queue at this point after performing with Flaka Krelani the first time for his second performance. The shop was offering free donuts to The Queue contestants. Stamenov ate the shop's entire donut supply, enraging Aalto and Kaysic. Aalto and Kaysic demanded donuts of their own but the shop was sold out, leading to them lodging an official complaint and having a meltdown. Officials removed Aalto and Kaysic from the queue and took them to the Poliana Police Station, run by policeman strippers. Aalto was reportedly pleased to be locked up by the hot policemen, while Kaysic was still wondering where the free donuts were. Both were released soon after, with Aalto using his Get Out of Jail Free Card which he holds as Glamazon of Zycantia.

Georgianna Peaches Meltdown
Georgianna Peaches, the mother of competition organiser Shaniqua "Shaniqua Diva" Stevic was a contestant lined up in the queue. She was surrounded by several performers including a number of naked women and men, all ready to perform as well. Peaches told friends that she was "uncomfortable with the amount of inappropriate content on display at the moment" and she had to "speak with organisers to ban everyone violating rules". Peaches called contest organisers, who arrived just as "Brand New Bitch", the Zartanese entry in the Maia Song Contest 4 was being played over the 500,000 speakers lined along the queue. Peaches told contest organisers that "everyone needs to be banned" and "there should be no shits, fucks, whores or bitches allowed". This caused anger, with many of the naked performers lined beside Peaches jeering at her. Contest organisers removed Peaches from the queue and put her in time out for fifteen minutes, where she was instructed to listen to "Brand New Bitch" on repeat.

Alleged Shooting
Ming Kandovic was a contestant in the queue and had already failed to impress Shaniqua Diva with her rendition of "Now I Know My ABC", after incorrectly reciting the English alphabet. She was waiting in the queue for her second attempt when she was shot by a bullet from the arena during the performance of David Meow, which featured guns shooting blanks. Shaniqua Diva was notified about the incident immediately and told reporters that "Ming is obviously lying" and that "she probably just got her period all over herself". Doctors in the queue, led by fellow contestant Mrozikowska, informed Shaniqua Diva that the gunshot was indeed a gunshot. Shaniqua Diva stated that "nobody cares about Ming anyway" and that "the show should continue as planned". Shaniqua Diva began to receive much criticism on the live PornHub stream and responded by telling viewers that "I'll give you all free dildos with the money I save from investing less in the Zycantian mental health system if our most problematic patient dies". This led to Shaniqua Diva gaining much support on social media, with many fans hoping that Kandovic would bleed out on the pavement. Unfortunately for them, Mrozikowska and Kandace Sydney were able to patch up Kandovic's wounds efficiently, with the patient expressing her desire to go ahead with her next audition.

Alleged Plagiarism
Mrozikowska and Mildred Kaysic were forty-sixth and next in the queue when Shaniqua Diva selected Xhesika Ndoj and Kallashi as the Zycantian representatives. Mrozikowska and Kaysic claimed that Ndoj and Kallashi had stolen their song and choreography, which they had been publicly rehearsing while waiting for their turn in the queue. Security footage revealed that Mrozikowska and Kaysic were indeed performing "Shoqe Bitch" while waiting. Shaniqua Diva stated that "Mrozikowska is an emaciated freak and Kaysic needs to lay off the donuts - Ndoj and Kallashi clearly have the better bodies to match the song and the choreography". Mrozikowska contacted fellow Mischenite lawyer Ashley Neleh to seek legal options but Shaniqua Diva quickly passed laws through Zycantian Parliament decriminalising plagiarism in all forms. Mrozikowska and Kaysic will reportedly seek further legal advice but Shaniqua Diva assured viewers on the live PornHub stream that "Ndoj and Kallashi will definitely be representing us, not those two hags".

Alleged Fixing Of National Final
Immediately after Xhesika Ndoj and Kallashi were announced as the winners, rumours flooded social media that Shaniqua Diva had rigged the national final and always intended to send her two Shaniqua's XXX Fantasy Parlour employees, regardless of all other auditions. The allegations also stated that Shaniqua Diva staged the national final to buy time and allow Zycantia to be one of the last countries to announce its Maia Song Contest 5 entry. Shaniqua Diva was asked about the allegations as she made her way out of the Shaniqua Diva Fantasy Arena. She responded by confirming that the allegations were entirely true and that she had started the rumours herself through her Leafs Ghostie Twitter account. Shaniqua Diva was asked how she could defend her actions. She responded by stating that "songs with the word 'bitch' in the title have been constantly robbed out of Maia Song Contest semi finals, so I had to ensure that we break the trend since we are already in the final". Fans of the entries of Xhoresä and Zarta from the Maia Song Contest 2 and Maia Song Contest 4 respectively applauded Shaniqua Diva's actions.